What's in the News?

Here is the first of one of my (planned) recurring features:  What's in the News where your humble writer finds a story that is interesting/funny/controversial/face-palm worthy and opines on it.  The stories may be local, regional, or national and could range from front page news to a three sentence blurb.


Our first story comes from the 8/23/2011 Lincoln Journal-Star, under the headline:  "Right to Life urges subcontractors to avoid Planned Parenthood renovation"

The condensed verion:  The Planned Parenthood clinic in Lincoln is moving to a differernt office building, which requires renovation to meet their needs.  The local Right to Life group is calling on subcontractors to not work this project as they believe it supports abortion.  Right to Life does not state any action that could/would be taken against contractors working this job, but they also did not confirm or deny a boycott could be called against contractors who do the work.

Disclaimer:  Gosh, do you think I could have picked a more divisive topic for the first What's in the News post?  Abortion has been boiling with controversy for decades, and there does not appear to be an end in sight.  Since one of the primary purposes of this blog is to help me gain freelance writing work, please excuse me if I tap-dance around some of the larger mines in this field and stick to things that are relevant to this particular story.  I don't think I want to get very political here (or at least not too quickly) so my beliefs about abortion will probably stay off the web for a while longer.

Commentary:  With the disclaimers complete, boo to Right to Life.  While Lincoln's economy has been better than many other parts of the nation, it is still down from where it has been, and is still slow to show signs of sustained growth.  It is tough enough for a contractor to get work in this town without having to a) worry about stepping knee deep into a controversial fire storm or b) worry about being blacklisted for taking a job to pay your bills and feed your family. 

I do have to give some credit to Right to Life:  they may have a singular, unblinking focus (ending abortion and stopping those that perform/assist them), but they have some very outside the box ways to working towards that goal.  They use pretty much everything in the toolbox - legislation (backed by an army of politicians who would slap their grandmother for the coveted "Right to Life" endorsement - and the legions of voters it brings), picketers and protesters in front of clinics (as well as the homes of the doctors and staff), graphic images, and a host of other tactics.  Some of their tactics are effective and some of them are nothing more than sheer bullying.  Going after contractors trying to do their job is bullying and does not do anything positive to further Right to Life's goal.  We all know that there are enough contractors out there who will bid and do the job because they want and/or need the work.  The new clinic will be opened and it will perform abortions (along with a host of other valuable procedures and services for women who could not otherwise afford them).  And the end result is Right to Life looks like bullies who will stop at nothing to accomplish their goal.

Conclusion:  I'm sure there are contractors who will politely decline the PP job because of their personal beliefs, and I completely respect and support their right to do so.  But I cannot respect outside interests that try to flex their muscle to block a client from legally hiring a contractor.  Personally, I think Right to Life would have best served to watch Kevin Smith's 1994 classic "Clerks", especially the scene where they discuss the role of independent contractors taking work in "Return of the Jedi" as shown here.  The contractors in this town are grown men and women.  Let them decide what is best for their business without being leaned on by a special interest group who will not make up the lost work.

Odd Job Application Question of the Day

In my current job search, I've filled out quite a few online job applications recently, and the flow is usually rather predictable:

1. Personal Information and Contact Data
2. Previous Employment History
3. Education History
4. Skills/Certifications/Honors/Etc
5. References
6. Upload Resume & Cover Letter
7. Optional EEOC questions (gender, race, vet status)
8. Check the box saying you're being honest and click Submit.
9. Receive auto-generated confirmation email
10. Wait for somebody to contact you, knowing your sole point of contact with the company is jobs@xyzcorporation.com

Sure, every so often they mix it up.  Maybe they'll ask something like "What did you like best about your last job?" or "What was your least favorite task?"  Some companies want to know the name of your supervisor in 2005 or the job duties of the entry-level position you took out of college so the student loan folks wouldn't repossess your Blind Melon CD.  But this morning, I came across one that was brand new.

"Write an original 40-60 word poem about your current or most recent job into the text field below:"

Now, I can see where this would be an excellent and important exercise if I was applying to Hallmark or wanting to work as a creative in a traditionally creative field.  Which is why this question really threw me:  it appeared on an application to be a "Technical Analyst - OEM Services".  Therefore, I am officially caught off guard.

What do I do now?  I would guess that since graduating from college almost 15 years ago, the number of poems I have written would fit on one hand.  It would likely fit on one finger.  Heck, even my collegiate attempts at poetry were rather sad (and "highlighted" by my poetic tribute to Jim Beam & Coca-Cola).  Let's face it - the majority of my writing abilities live on the Prose side of the street.
I ponder the blank screen, and consider my options:
a) Make it rhyme.  Poems are supposed to rhyme.
b) Riff on the "Roses are red" template.
c) Free verse
d) A parody of Cat in the Hat (thanks to my 2 year old, I have it pretty much memorized)
e) See if McDonald's is hiring and lacks a poetry component

This is followed by a wave of secondary questions:  Do I try to be funny?  I wonder if they can tell how long I'm sitting here with this blank screen?  Do I criticize my former employer?  Will this page eventually time out?  Will I not get an interview because my sonnet lacks proper meter?

What did I do?  I'm not afraid to say that I chickened out and went with c) Free verse.  In other words, I typed up a good, P.C. interview response, broke it up into multiple lines, broke some capitalization and punctuation rules, and continued on to the EEOC questionnaire (Male, Caucasian, Not a Veteran).

I would reprint the poem here (I keep a file with my stock answers to common application questions that I can copy & paste for speed and accuracy), but since I intend for this site to be a virtual commercial for my writing abilities, it's best if that one stays offline.  If you need me to write mushy greeting card poems, I'll give it the old college try*, but there are some jobs best left to the professionals.

*Wow the Internet is awesome.  I thought for sure I'd have to type that reference out instead of dropping a link to a cartoon from 1995.

But...

Since we're all hear, let's take a shot at options A, B, and D above.

Rhyming Poem About My Last Job
My last job, it was a hoot
Fortunately, I didn't have to wear a suit

It took seven months and a dozen interviews
Before I got the phone call with the news

The office was at 56th & O
Home for lunch, I could go

My bike, to work I would ride
I always wore my helmet, screw my pride

I was mad when they took away my salary
But the OT bought my plasma TV

At some point we ran out of space
So we moved to a new place

Downtown was our new home
There was a guy who played the xylophone

I had an office, I was all atwitter
Until I found out it was by the bathroom

I won't be critical, it wouldn't be cool
I did like working with many a school

At last, my time it had to end
I just wish my income didn't have to suspend


"Roses Are Red" Style Poem About My Last Job
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Private and faith-based K-12 schools,
Catholics, Christians, Muslims, and Jews.


"Cat in the Hat" Parody Poem About My Last Job
Hmm..glad I didn't go this route, this one is tougher than I thought.  All I'm coming up with is:

Sometimes it seems like
My career is shot.
My wife said, "Do I like this?"
"Oh no, I do not!"


In conclusion, you ever find yourself faced with a request for spontaneous poetry in order to acquire a job, your best bet is to go with a traditional rhyme as what I tossed together above is far better than the free verse B.S. I submitted this morning.

Live and learn.

Things I unapologetically believe

Each and every person I know has some odd-ball things that they believe in - the guy who swears it takes 7 years to digest chewing gum or that alligators live in the NYC sewer system - and they have no problem telling you those absurdly inane things at every opportunity.  And this is without going down the dark and dangerous road of people's political and religious beliefs, where the only certainties are you're right, "they" are wrong, and some cable talking head/radio jock/blog/article/crazy relative totally backs (or provides) your opinion.

While I don't have a problem with sharing my opinions, I'm usually not the first one out of the gate.  I've never been a person to publicly voice my opinions on things such as politics, religion, or other hot-button issues without knowing how the other person feels - and even then I'm probably not going to say too much if I disagree.  Why?  There are certain positions I hold that I probably cannot defend logically, (or worse, in response to a friend's indignant "How could you possibly support X?" accusation), but yet I still feel that way.  But mainly, it's out of fear that those I'm talking to will feel the exact opposite and judge me for it.  So anybody who is expecting this to a manifesto of my beliefs, values, and political opinions is probably going to be out of luck.

That said, there are certain things that I believe in with all my heart and I cannot imagine anybody convincing me otherwise.  These things include:

• A college football playoff (other than a "Plus 1" to eliminate undefeated teams) is a horrible idea that would ruin college football.
• The rights and benefits for adoptive families should equal those for families who have biological children.
• People that vote based solely upon the R or D behind a candidate's name are ignorant.  If you take the time to learn about the candidates and still vote straight ticket, that's okay by me.
• Spring is a much better season than Autumn/Fall.  Would you rather watch things come to life or die?  Have days get longer and warmer or shorter and colder?  No brainer.  Besides, most of the things people associate with fall (shorter days, cooler temps, football, leaves changing, etc) start happening in August/September, which are summer months.
• Karma is a bitch.  Maybe not today.  Maybe not tomorrow.  But some day what goes around will come around.
• People who endure both winter and summer (i.e. hot humid summers and cold snowy winters) are tougher than folks who only endure one extreme.
• Text messages are primarily used when a) you don't have enough to say to warrant a phone call and/or b) you do not want to have a conversation with that person.
• Your birthday should be a paid holiday.
• Dogs and cats do qualify as "starter children".  If you do not have the time, energy, patience, or money for an animal then you have no business having kids.

Here We Go

First off, my sincerest apologies to the Beastie Boys for bastardizing the lyrics of their classic for my blog/review/freelance site. 

Secondly, my sincere apologies to my Mom for saying "bastardize" on the Internet.  I'll try to clean it up.

So what are we looking at here?  Well...that is an excellent question.  As I type, it's 11:43 on a Tuesday in August.  I'm fairly recently...um...retired from a rather unfulfilling career.  My current job prospects include mowing lawns and delivering newspapers - which aside from the exciting worlds of fast food and telemarketing, is pretty much a mirror image of my career options 20 years ago.  Yikes.

Therefore, it should be pretty obvious that some changes are in order.  And without telling you how the hotdog is made, let's keep things simple by saying that I'm hoping to accomplish a handful of things here:
1.  Provide me a creative outlet/playground to develop and nuture a writing talent that I've been told about by pretty much every teacher, supervisor, family member, and random Facebook friend I have.  I've got some ideas for recurring content that I'd like to explore and hopefully will be of interest.
2.  Provide me with a marketing piece for freelance writing jobs that I aspire to obtain (see:  unemployed status and newspaper delivery job above)
3.  Provide me with easily documentable and verifiable samples of my writing abilities.  This is important as my current experience level in Advertising boils down to a) my degree in Advertising (University of Nebraska, 1997), and b) I watch a decent amount of TV.
4.  Create a mini-community via the comments where you (the faithful reader and clicker of the Google ads in the sidebar) can let me know that my work is a) good, b) crap, c) funny, d) one of the many reasons for my unemployment, e) something you'd like to hire for your company/site/kid's birthday party, or f) all of the above.

So where are we going first?  Astute consumers of advertising (or at least those who watch sports on TV) should recognize the title as the current tagline for Bud Light's current campaign - a campaign that I find incredibly lame, predictable, and sadly typical of a lot of advertising today.

At least, that's the plan as of 11:58 on Tuesday.  Who knows...I could get a job offer from Boring Industries tomorrow and this whole thing never sees the light of day while I live a semi-enjoyable experience in a cubicle 50 feet from the nearest window.

Here we go...